i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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