I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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