Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
