I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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