that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
