Pants 0. Shit 1.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
