it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
