Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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