Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
