Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
