Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
