i think my tv is drunk
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
