Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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