Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
