Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I AM VODKA MAN
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
