I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
