Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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