I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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