I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
