I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
