Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
