I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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