You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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