Me too!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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