I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i've created a new STD.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
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