he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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