somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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