we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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