i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
