I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
