Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
