You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
