He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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