She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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