The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
