Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
