I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
