this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
