If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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