just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Pooping to opera.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
