How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
