dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
