rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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