I can text with my tongue
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
