Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I am spending my child support on dildos
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
