he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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