I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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