This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
