I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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