I'm really into asian looking animals
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
