420 ftw
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
