My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
